Self-Compassion Is Not Our Native Tongue

"Fluency" takes time, practice, and patience.

NATALIE FURDEK, M.ED., LPC

In my last post, I mentioned a study linking self-compassion to unmasking. But how do we actually learn to be self-compassionate? Especially for those of us who’ve been conditioned by ableist norms without realizing our neurodivergence?

Well, therapy is a great starting point! But not everyone can afford it, needs it, or even wants it. So, I’m hoping to share some useful info for those folks here.

First off, there are several reasons why self-compassion is tough to grasp, especially for AuDHD individuals. But let's start with the reason that affects everyone: conditioning. Most of us weren’t taught as kids to be kind to ourselves. We learned to “push ourselves,” “be our best,” “succeed,” have “perfect attendance,” be thinner, stronger, prettier, smarter… Society rewards these achievements from early childhood up to now. And that’s assuming you had a decent childhood! If there was abuse, it’s even harder.

The self-esteem movement is one of those conditioning forces and it gets a lot of flak for various reasons. But the main issue with only building self-esteem is that it only helps when you’re doing well. When we struggle or mess up, self-esteem is nowhere to be found, leaving room for old depressive thoughts to creep in.

What we need in those moments is self-compassion, but we often don’t have the words ready for it!

On top of that, AuDHD folks deal with things like executive functioning. It’s a broad term, and only some parts relate to ADHD. Others are lesser-known (since they don’t stop you from answering emails lol) but can still be affected when we’re tired or overwhelmed. The ability to think about our thinking - to “hear” what’s happening in our mind and interact with it - is called metacognition. AuDHDers often find themselves deep in rumination before they even realize it because of this issue.

Therapy can help us start paying attention to what’s happening in our minds and begin to “stand up for ourselves” when we catch toxic or abusive language. We can learn to translate what’s being said into more compassionate language. It’s like responding to thoughts like “Ugh I’m so stupid!” the way a good friend would.

For example, I spent many years being depressed before learning I was autistic, so I can still hear old depressive thoughts if something goes wrong in my day. It doesn’t happen often anymore, but when it does, I just stop and remind myself “we” (my brain and I) don’t do name-calling or turn on ourselves like that anymore. I can still acknowledge I don’t feel great about what triggered the thoughts, but I don’t have to be a bully in my own mind. We’ve had enough bullying by now, don’t you think?

But did you catch that? Even someone who talks about mental health all day still has to translate their own negative thoughts sometimes!

It’s like self-compassion is a second language for us. If you speak more than one language, you know how long it can take before you naturally think in that second language. It takes years! And it requires immersion, meaning living for a time speaking only that language, often without your native tongue. And even then, most thoughts will still be in your first language. This is what I explain to clients when they get frustrated that their negative thoughts keep popping up, especially during tough times.

Many people describe self-compassion as a “practice,” and we should really take that to heart. It’s going to take time and repetition, and we can practice in many different ways. Some therapists suggest “practicing affirmations,” and while they’re useful because they teach us the language of self-compassion, affirmations are really just the “flash cards” in this language development - the vocabulary, maybe.

The biggest mental health gains come when we learn to catch that old toxic language in our minds during tough moments, as challenging as that is. When we use words of self-compassion “in real time” and remind ourselves to be a little gentler with ourselves when we’re hurting, we start to change our relationship with ourselves, and that’s healing! Even if all we can do in the moment is acknowledge how hard it is to be gentle in the first place.

If we can slowly learn to “stay on our side” and not turn on ourselves in our minds, we’ve got a good chance of beating depression. But the bigger outcome is that we can finally befriend ourselves more deeply. Self-compassion doesn’t mean not holding yourself accountable or being honest with yourself. It just means we’ve learned to do those things like a good and honest friend would.