Uranium

Dealing with the "bi-product" of empathy.

NATALIE FURDEK, M.ED., LPC

Alright, let’s dive into GUILT!

Not the kind you feel when you’ve actually done something wrong. Like I tell my clients, if you punch someone in the nose and feel guilty, we’re not going to try to get rid of that guilt. Maybe the anger…but that guilt and remorse is healthy in that case! (And no, my clients haven’t punched anyone, I’m pretty sure.)

Nope, we’re talking about the guilt you get even when you haven’t done anything wrong…you know, "people-pleasing" guilt.

Some folks say it’s this habit of keeping others happy at our own cost that’s delayed recognizing that we’re autistic. Others say that Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy is where autistic kids learn to keep others happy at their own expense.

So yeah, it’s definitely a thing for us. But we’re not the only ones who deal with people-pleasing guilt. I like to remind clients it’s not something that defines us, and we can unlearn it as we unmask.

But unmasking comes with a LOT of this people-pleasing guilt! We’ve got to understand it so we can handle it.

Here’s how I explain it to clients.

It’s kind of like uranium. The earth just makes uranium, it’s a natural process due to geology.

But if you’re camping and stumble upon a uranium deposit, you don’t think, “Oh, a natural uranium deposit, totally normal, let’s camp here!” No way. You get out of there because that stuff is toxic!

But you don’t just go home, right? You find a safer camping spot and stop dreaming of building your dream home there.

(I know, this doesn’t really happen lol)

It’s the same with people-pleasing guilt. If we look at what’s going on in our minds, we can see it’s a natural byproduct of our empathy.

Say you’re working on making better choices for yourself about how you spend your time. Sometimes we force ourselves to go places just because we’re invited or expected to be there.

Your friend invites you to “the activity you hate” again, but you really love your friend. In therapy, you decide to start saying “no” to this activity and suggest something else you’d enjoy more with your friend.

You’ve rehearsed it…imagined the conversation a few times. (Ha! We all do). And when the moment comes, you nail it.

Your friend is bummed about the event you turned down, you can tell. But they agree to the other plan and even express some love for your boundary and understanding.

Best outcome ever, right?

If you’re not autistic, you’re done! You’re already seeing that gold star from your therapist!

But that’s not how it goes for autistic folks… We tend to focus on that disappointment and beat ourselves up for not “being a good friend,” or “not handling it,” or whatever negative story comes up.

But we can learn to be kinder to ourselves, even when we’ve let a friend down.

I teach clients that it’s NOT about not having this emotional response. People who don’t feel a little bad when they disappoint a friend need a different kind of therapy entirely lol.

It’s about seeing that guilty feeling as a sign of your empathy for your friend. You get how they feel and you feel bad for causing it. This isn’t a bad thing, it means you’re a good person.

It’s about reminding yourself it’s okay to feel a little bad about that disappointment as long as you’re telling yourself the rest of the story too.

It’s about spotting that feeling, labeling it as the “uranium” it is, and moving on to the rest of the emotional landscape.

And just like in the uranium example where we still finish the camping trip in a safer spot; in this situation, we stick to the boundary too. In both cases because they’re good choices for us.

The camper ends up healthy and happy from the experience.

And your friendship gets stronger, deeper, and more comfortable for you.

The point is, you’re gonna feel guilt sometimes when you’re working on getting your needs met. Seeing this as a reflection of your empathy helps you shrink that guilt to the “little bit” that good people feel when they ask for help or whatever that tough thing is hahahah!