Uranium

Managing a toxic by-product of empathy.

NATALIE FURDEK, M.ED., LPC

Alright, let’s talk about GUILT!

Not the stuff you feel when you really DO do something wrong. Like I tell clients, if you punch someone in the nose and feel guilty, we’re not going to try to counsel that guilt out of you. Maybe the anger…but that guilt and remorse is a healthy thing in that moment! (none of my clients have ever punched a nose, I’m pretty sure.)

No, we’re gonna talk about the kind we have even when we haven’t done anything wrong…you know…people-pleasing guilt.

Some say it’s this tendency to keep others happy at our own expense that has caused the delay in recognizing that we’re autistic. Other people say that Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy is where the rest of the autistic kids go to learn how to keep others happy at their own expense.

So yeah, it’s a thing with us for sure. It’s not like we’re the only group of people that struggle with people pleasing guilt, of course. I like to remind clients this is not inherently diagnostic about us, and thus we can unlearn it as we unmask.

But working on unmasking comes with a LOT of this people-pleasing guilt! So we must understand it, so we can manage it.

So, here’s how I lay it out for clients.

It’s a lot like uranium, in a way. The earth makes uranium, it just does. There’s nothing wrong or sick about the earth that it does this, it’s just a natural process that happens because of geologic science.

But, like, if you go camping in the mountains and run across a deposit of uranium, you don’t say to yourself, “Ah! A naturally formed uranium deposit, what a normal thing to exist, let’s camp here!” No. You get the hell away from there because that shit is toxic!

You also don’t go home though, right? You find a safer place to camp, and stop daydreaming of putting your dream home in that spot.

(I know this never happens in real life lol)

It’s the same thing with this people pleasing guilt though. If we look closely at what’s happening in the mind around this stuff, we can see it’s a naturally ocurring byproduct of our empathy, really.

For example, let’s say you’re working on one element of unmasking which is about making better choices for yourself about how you recreate. Sometimes we’ve been forcing ourselves to go to certain kinds of environments, just because we’re invited or expected to be there.

Your buddy has yet again invited you to “the activity you hate,” but you really do love your buddy. In therapy, let’s say you have decided to start saying “no” to this activity, while proposing a different one that you could enjoy a little more with your friend.

You’ve rehearsed it even…pre-lived the conversation a few times. (ha! we all do). And the moment comes, you pull it off flawlessly.

Your friend is disappointed about the event you turned down, you can tell. But also agrees to the alternate choice, and let’s say they even express some friendship love about your boundary and getting to understand you better.

Like, best outcome ever, right?

And if you’re not autistic, it’s done! You can already see that gold star from your therapist!

That’s not what happens for autistic people… We have got this laser pointer for attention/focus and if we don’t know better, we’ll zoom in on that disappointment and kick ourselves in our mind for not “being a good friend,” or “not being able to handle it,” or whatever that inherently depressive narrative is that shows up for you.

But we can learn to treat ourselves better, even when we’ve disappointed a friend.

I teach clients that it’s NOT about not having this emotional response. People who don’t feel a little bad when they disappoint a friend need a different kind of therapy entirely lol.

It’s about recognizing that guilty feeling as being a reflection of the empathy for your buddy. You understand how they feel and you feel bad for being the cause of it. This is not a bad thing, it means you’re a good person, actually.

It’s about reminding yourself that it’s ok to feel a little bad about that disappointment part as long as you’re telling yourself the rest of the story too.

It’s about identifying the feeling, marking it as the “uranium” that it is, and moving on to the rest of the emotional ground of the situation.

And just like in the uranium example where we still finish the camping trip in a safer spot; in this situation, we follow through on the boundary as well. In both cases because they are good choices for us.

The camper will be healthy and happy for the experience.

And your friendship has been enhanced, deepened, and made more comfortable for you to exist in.

The point is that you’re gonna feel guilt at times when you’re working on getting your needs met. Understanding this as a reflection of your empathy helps you reduce that guilt to the “little bit” that good people have when they ask for help or whatever THAT hard thing is hahahah!