Self-Compassion Linked to Unmasking

Discussion of new research on the association between self-compassion and camouflaging in autistic people

NATALIE FURDEK, M.ED., LPC

As an AuDHD therapist, I kinda never shut up about self-compassion. I incessantly hound my clients to “stay on their own team" and “soften against themselves” when they’re hurting in some way. I strongly believe self-compassion is key to addressing depression and anxiety in neurodivergent clients. And these (along with our friend ADHD) are the most common co-occurring conditions in autistic adults.

What is autistic masking? I conceptualize masking/camouflaging as an internalizing of our discomfort. This begins very early in life for many of us, especially those of us who were socialized as female in early childhood. There are several theories on why one child can mask their autisticness while another cannot, but the result of it is that, rather than make the people around them uncomfortable, camouflaged autistic people make themselves uncomfortable. In small ways, and in very deep ways as life goes on.

Instead of becoming upset at whatever is distressing in the environment - bright lights, too many people, too many demands, etc. - we become upset with ourselves for not being able to “handle it” because “something’s wrong” with us (and not the environment). For people who don’t know they’re autistic, there’s no explanation for “what’s wrong” other than vitriol and self-hatred - the seeds of depressive and anxious disorders.

So, it makes sense that new research shows that self-compassion might help us unmask!

I subscribe to exactly one scholarly journal - Autism in Adulthood - one that includes autistic adults as editorial board members, authors, and peer-reviewers. I read other research of course, but I pay money to support this one in print because they abide by the “nothing about us without us” principle in research on autism.

“Self-Compassion, Camouflaging, and Mental Health in Autistic Adults” reports on a study by authors John Galvin, Patricia Aguolu, Alice Amos, Fran Bayne, Fatimah Hamza, and Louisa Alcock. In it, they found a negative association between masking and self-compassion, meaning if a person had some measure of self-compassion, they were more likely to also have some measure of unmasking.

The study stays away from saying that self-compassion directly causes unmasking and makes the very important point that in working with clients, it’s not enough to simply teach self-compassion without teaching clients to unmask (or vice versa). It’s both things together - less camouflaging and more self-compassion - that potentially leads to lower depression and anxiety.

Let’s use the common example of unmasking our stims. Some clients arrive in therapy having lived a lifetime preventing themselves from stimming, as I had done myself.

“Hold that leg still in meetings, don’t click the pen, don’t chew the pen, that’s enough nodding your head, no swiveling in the chair, look at the mess that tissue in your hand has now made, BE STILL!” - all of these are memories of my own thoughts from past employment “situations.”

I was an unrecognized autistic…I had no idea. I was subject to frequent recurrences of depression, always anxious, and VERY upset with myself about my ability to “handle things” and my inability to figure out what was “wrong with me.”

I wish (don’t we all) I could go back to those times, knowing all that I know now: I am autistic. I neurologically need to stim. Stimming helps me focus. Stimming helps me process. None of these things mean there’s anything “wrong with me.”

That last one is the key - my need to stim is normal and I can be friendly with myself about it. Sure, I can be considerate to those around me, but I can also meet my needs while I am it. Adding some self-compassion to those thoughts above might make them sound more like this, resulting in a little unmasking and a LOT of increased comfort for myself:

❤️ Wow your leg really wants to go, yeah? Ok, just keep it under the table and try not to kick anyone but have at it!

❤️ Oooh what a clicky pen, sounds nice! Might also be distracting to others, so maybe let’s find something a little quieter?

❤️ Chew that pen! Just don’t break your teeth…dentists are the worst…

❤️ There you are nodding the whole meeting again. Cool, at least they know you were paying attention, keep it up!

❤️ OMG swiveling in the chair is the best, right? Feels so good, but probably driving your meeting neighbor a little crazy. Can we hold the swivel until we’re back at our desk? How would it feel to move your leg under the table instead?

❤️ Ugh tissue mess again…so biodegradable, right? It’s a pain to clean up after the meeting though, so what if we brought some cloth next time? Or how does the hem of your shirt feel, would that work for now?

❤️ Allow yourself to find a way to stim when you need to.

And that is how we can tie unmasking to self-compassion! Of course, self-compassion is like a foreign language for many of us, so I’ll write next time about how we can learn to “translate” our thoughts