Self-Compassion Linked to Unmasking

Talking about the latest research on how self-compassion connects to camouflaging in autistic folks

NATALIE FURDEK, M.ED., LPC

As an AuDHD therapist, I’m always chatting about self-compassion. I’m constantly reminding my clients to “be on their own team” and “go easy on themselves” when they’re feeling down. I really believe that self-compassion is crucial for tackling depression and anxiety in neurodivergent clients. These issues, along with ADHD, are super common among autistic adults.

So, what’s autistic masking all about? I see masking, or camouflaging, as internalizing our discomfort. This starts early for many, especially those who were raised as girls. There are a few ideas about why some kids can mask their autism while others can’t, but the bottom line is that camouflaged autistic people often make themselves uncomfortable to avoid making others uncomfortable. This happens in small ways and can go really deep as life goes on.

Instead of getting upset about things like bright lights, crowds, or too many demands, we get upset with ourselves for not being able to “handle it” because we think “something’s wrong” with us, not the environment. For those who don’t know they’re autistic, the only explanation for “what’s wrong” is often self-criticism and self-hatred, which can lead to depression and anxiety.

So, it’s not surprising that new research suggests self-compassion might help us drop the mask!

I’m subscribed to just one scholarly journal - Autism in Adulthood. It includes autistic adults as part of the editorial board, authors, and peer-reviewers. I read other research too, but I support this one because they follow the “nothing about us without us” principle in autism research.

The study “Self-Compassion, Camouflaging, and Mental Health in Autistic Adults” by John Galvin, Patricia Aguolu, Alice Amos, Fran Bayne, Fatimah Hamza, and Louisa Alcock found a negative link between masking and self-compassion. Basically, if someone has some self-compassion, they’re more likely to unmask a bit.

The study doesn’t claim that self-compassion directly causes unmasking. It stresses that when working with clients, it’s not enough to just teach self-compassion without also teaching them to unmask (or the other way around). Both less camouflaging and more self-compassion together can potentially reduce depression and anxiety.

Take the common example of unmasking our stims. Some clients come to therapy after a lifetime of stopping themselves from stimming, like I did.

“Keep that leg still in meetings, don’t click the pen, don’t chew the pen, stop nodding your head so much, no swiveling in the chair, look at the mess that tissue made, BE STILL!” - these are my own thoughts from past work situations.

I was an undiagnosed autistic...I had no clue. I often felt depressed, anxious, and really frustrated with myself for not being able to “handle things” and not knowing what was “wrong with me.”

I wish I could go back to those times with what I know now: I’m autistic. I naturally need to stim. Stimming helps me focus and process. None of this means there’s anything “wrong with me.”

That last part is key - my need to stim is normal and I can be kind to myself about it. Sure, I can be considerate to others, but I can also meet my own needs. Adding some self-compassion to those thoughts might make them sound more like this, leading to a bit of unmasking and a LOT more comfort for myself:

❤️ Wow, your leg really wants to move, huh? Okay, just keep it under the table and try not to kick anyone, but go for it!

❤️ Ooh, what a clicky pen, sounds nice! It might distract others, so maybe let’s find something quieter?

❤️ Chew that pen! Just don’t break your teeth...dentists are the worst...

❤️ There you are nodding through the whole meeting again. Cool, at least they know you’re paying attention!

❤️ OMG, swiveling in the chair is the best, right? Feels so good, but probably driving your meeting neighbor a bit crazy. Can we hold the swivel until we’re back at our desk? How about moving your leg under the table instead?

❤️ Ugh, tissue mess again...so biodegradable, right? It’s a pain to clean up after the meeting though, so what if we brought some cloth next time? Or how does the hem of your shirt feel, would that work for now?

Allow yourself to find a way to stim when you need to.

And that’s how we can link unmasking to self-compassion! Of course, self-compassion is like a new language for many of us, so I’ll write next time about how we can learn to “translate” our self-critical thoughts to something closer to compassion.